The Avoidance Problem

Most of my patients have heard me say, “anxiety loves avoidance.” I don’t remember where I picked up this phrase, but I find it so useful. This is a key concept when dealing with anxiety, one that I think often gets overlooked. What we want when feeling anxious is to get rid of that feeling as fast as possible. If that happens through a hug and reassuring phrase from a friend, getting out of the situation as fast as possible, distracting ourselves with comfort food or your substance of choice, then so be it. For parents, if your kid seems scared of something, the impulse is often to remove the feared thing - don’t make them go to the game, stay away from that slide at the playground, do the school project with (or for) them so they don’t “fail.” It is human nature to want a quick and easy resolution to anxiety. At the mild level, anxiety is uncomfortable; at it’s worst, absolutely miserable. So we want to get rid of it, and then we feel better and think that’s all we need to do.

Here’s where the problem shows up. Avoidance tricks you into thinking, yes, just stay away from the thing that makes you anxious and you will be better off. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. After all, you feel better when you do, right? But avoidance feeds anxiety. It grows and gets stronger every time you resort to avoidance. You actually become more afraid, and need more ways to avoid that fear. Your life becomes smaller and you feel controlled by the anxiety. Or your kid seems more anxious, needs more reassurance, and you feel lost for how to help them gain confidence.

Notice that the problem is not the anxiety; anxiety is a natural part of being human, and often a helpful signal that something needs our attention. The problem is in the avoidance. It’s the thing that makes you seek the immediate and temporary safety above all else, no matter the impact on your relationships, your responsibilities, or your growth. 

So what do we actually need when anxious? What will help us develop more confidence and strength to endure anxiety, not be controlled by it? The short answer is risk. It’s to do the very thing of which you are afraid. For some people and some situations, a “rip the bandaid off” or “jump into the deep end” approach works. Just feel the sting and learn that you’ll survive. Jump into the water and learn how to swim. For some, that approach will totally overwhelm them, render them feeling helpless, and serve as confirmation that they should just avoid. It really is too much to handle. In that case, there’s another approach.

In the words of the Beastie Boys, “slow and low, that is the tempo.” Basically, take small risks and build up to the big one. Like getting into a pool of cold water, dip your toes in, then stand ankle-deep, then knee-deep, and step in more and more as you gradually acclimate to it. Eventually, you’ll find yourself swimming and enjoying the refreshing coolness. 

So if crowded places make you anxious and you’ve struggled to get through trips to Costco, start by going to a smaller store and/or at a time when there are less people. Once you get used to that, up the ante and go at a busier time. When you start to feel anxious, take some deep breaths and have a grounding exercise ready to use. Stay there and do your practice until you’re ready to keep going. Then go to a bigger store or an even busier time, and do the same thing. You will feel anxious in this process - that is the point. You must face the anxiety to learn that you can endure it. Face it with support and tools so you can get through it, and each time you will gain more confidence in your strength to do so. And then one day you’ll be ready to go to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, and even if it’s not easy to get through, you’ll do it. Once you get that success, the anxiety will be a small flutter in your stomach if not gone completely. And this doesn’t mean you have to go to Costco on Saturday afternoons from now on (because that’s just unpleasant for most of us), but it means that you can. It means that you are in control, no longer controlled by anxiety. You get to choose when and where you go, and if there’s a specific need to go on Saturday afternoon, now you can.

My next post will describe how attachment theory can be helpful for working through anxiety. For now, listen to the recording below for an example of how to ground yourself when facing anxiety.