Safety and Risk: How Attachment Helps Overcome Anxiety
In the afterward to A Wrinkle In Time, Charlotte Jones Voiklis echoes her grandmother (Madeline L’Engle) stating, “Love is not power… To love is to be vulnerable, and it is only in vulnerability and risk, not safety and security, that we overcome darkness.” This, I think, is the heart of attachment.
Attachment theory* teaches that for children to develop and grow into emotionally healthy humans, they need “a secure base from which to explore.”** Make sure you read the full phrase - a secure base from which to explore. This last part seems to get left out in some of the ways attachment theory has been popularized, but this is the part that makes growth possible.
A secure base is important and essential. The child needs to know they have a parent to whom they can go for comfort and help, to be understood in their distress, to be held. What does this look like or sound like? Letting your child run into your arms, embracing them, and saying, “Wow, that really scared you!” Or “I can see this feels really hard.” Offer the reassurance that you’re there for them, that you love them, it’s okay to feel scared, etc. That’s all good. My point is that it’s not enough.
If we only have a secure base, but are not encouraged or helped to go explore, one of two things tends to happen. We just stay close to home and don’t go out, don’t take risks, don’t test our limits and discover what we’re capable of. Or we learn to disconnect from our emotions and get out there. We have the appearance of being confident and willing to take risks, but we actually feel like an imposter most of the time; or we become overly self-sufficient and then lonely, unable to enjoy deep connections with others because we have cut off our emotional vulnerability.
So the child needs a parent that comforts and reassures, and follows that with the encouragement and help to explore. Exploration is the taking of risks. This can be done gradually, step by step and seeking reassurance along the way as needed. For example, if your child is afraid to approach other kids at the playground, you might practice it with them at home, where you pretend to be them and approach them as a new kid, then they pretend you are another kid and approach you. Then at the playground go up to another kid with them and maybe you ask the kid to play this time and encourage your child to ask the next time; then stand a few steps back while they go on their own, and so forth until they come running up to you one day saying, “Mommy, I did it! I asked them to play with me and we’re playing hide and seek!” Or maybe they just start playing and at some point look back at you, and you give a big thumbs up. Help them at first, then give them space to go at it on their own.
Of course, it doesn’t always work out the way you want, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t successful. The success is in the effort. Taking risks requires vulnerability; sometimes the other kid says no, and that hurts. So get some comfort and try again - that kid said no, but that doesn’t mean every kid will say no.
Some of you might be thinking, “What if I didn’t really have a secure base?” Ideally, we get that through the experience of a parental figure being safe and comforting (at least enough of the time) - knowing that we are loved and cared for means we have somewhere to turn when things go bad, so we can go out and explore with more confidence. This also helps us know how to seek help when needed as we get older, so we can turn to friends or partners for that comfort and reassurance. But if you didn’t have that experience as a child, the good news is that it’s never too late to develop your own secure base. You might have people in your life now that you trust enough to be vulnerable with, and from them you can lean on the knowledge of being loved and cared for. If you’re religious, you can turn to God or your higher power as your secure base; after all, God is with you wherever you go, and always ready to provide comfort. And of course, a good therapist can provide a consistent place for you to bring your struggles and hurts, receive understanding and comfort, and help you take the risk of vulnerability for the sake of your growth.
I often use hypnosis to help patients develop that inner security and confidence for facing their anxieties. Hypnosis is a way to communicate more directly with the emotional part of your brain (i.e., the limbic system) and regulate your nervous system while you engage an anxiety-provoking situation. For example, let’s say you struggle to be assertive - you hesitate to tell someone they hurt you, you’re afraid to ask your boss for a raise, or you can’t stand to be vulnerable with your partner and end up becoming angry instead. Usually there is a core anxiety underlying these difficulties. Maybe a fear or rejection, or fear of doing it “wrong” and feeling ashamed. You’ve tried in the past, but in the anxiety fumbled over your words, made a mess of things, and experienced it as confirmation of deeply-held negative beliefs about yourself. So it might take more than simple, behavioral practice to overcome this anxiety. Although practice is necessary, you’ll need something else - that secure base to remind you of your worth, provide comfort and reassurance, and help you develop more confidence to put yourself out there. Hypnosis is a very effective way to instill this in you. While in a trance, and with the guide and help of your hypnotherapist, you can create your own secure base. You might draw from experiences with loving people in your life, or from God or your higher power. You can also create your own using a symbol or image that represents a benevolent, nurturing presence. And as you connect with this internal presence, you will be able to soothe your limbic system, regulating your anxiety. With practice, you can then call up your secure base as you engage the risk and vulnerability of asserting yourself. While you are in conversation, you can simultaneously hold onto the image of your secure base and feel its calming, comforting power, giving you the confidence you need. And again, if you don’t get the result you want, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t successful. The success is in you taking the risk and discovering that you can handle whatever outcome because you are still loved. You might even have learned something from this experience to help you out the next time.
Below is an example of a hypnosis exercise to develop an inner secure base. Of course, the more personalized it can be, the more effective it will be, but this gives you an idea of what you can do.
*Attachment theory was originally developed by John Bowlby, and expanded primarily by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main. Here are some readings if you want to learn more:
Ainsworth, M.D.S., Blear, M.C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-Analysis. (Original work published 1969).
Karen, R. (1994). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. New York: Oxford University Press.
**This phrase is credited to Mary Ainsworth, from her work with The Strange Situation experiment.